For the first time in months, literally months, i am excited about something. I have this bubbling passion and anticipation that i almost can't believe. for so long now, i've felt like i'm just dried up inside, depressed and just sad because i thought i screwed up, and made the wrong decision about life. i thought that coming to uk to get my master's was a huge mistake, that i let myself down and gave up on my dreams. and, in a way that is still true. i should have been more adventurous but it's too late now to change that. anyway, i was afraid that I was stuck with my decision, and doomed to a life of boredom, pursuing my more responsible plan of being a 4-H agent, as opposed to a some version of a rockstar (or at least a normal person with some semblance to a rockstar lifestyle.) As i whined and complained about the misery of my life for the 123,156,315 time at work, J told me the same things that I have said to myself, but never really heard out loud. i can be a 4-H agent for the rest of my life. now is the time that i can actually do something real, something that will make me feel alive. so i'm going to :)
i know i love music. i love shows. the thrill of a rock show is what makes me happiest. yes, i love the thought of 4-h agent-ing, but this is different. i feel so alive watching a band pour their heart's out, seeing the audience feel and react to every note, every drum beat and sing every word. going to shows makes me happy, its something i'm not ready to grow up and give up.
so anyway, when J and I were talking, he said all the things before, but then said "i want you to call [local arts magazine]." i nearly cried like a baby as i informed him that i can not do that, simply because i am terrified. and then i thought, what a completely and totally stupid reason not to follow my dreams.
i mean, its like i have been slowly leading up to this decision for my entire life. i've been a rocker since i sat in the front seat of my daddy's truck, listening to the Stones and Rush and all the other oldies they played on 103.7 and WKDF before it went country . My first real boyfriends: they were both rockstar wannabe's in a band. (granted, they were in the same band, but that's not an important part of the story. and dont' call me a groupie. cause im not- yet. i kid, i kid. groupies are trashy. i'm too classy for that. i wanna be a wife.)
i got a subscription to Rolling Stone & Revolver, and not just to have a magazine to read. I got them because I wanted to study the writing, to subconsciously pick up on the verbiage that those guys use and be able to do that myself. i added journalism as one of my majors (that makes me sound so intelligent, right- "one of my majors." bahahaha.) and graduated, so i guess that makes me qualified to be an official journalist as much as i can be.
so now, i have to actually put all this preparation into action. i need to step up and actually start writing about something that i like, something that i know, something that matters to people like me who love music like i do. but where in the world do i start? and how do i get over the fear that goes along with doing the one thing that i have always been too scared to attempt? and how in the world can i force myself to use capital letters!?! dilemmas, difficult ones at that, but they are just items on my checklist that i have to cross off. i intend to do my first music related blog soon, reviewing the new avenged sevenfold cd. we'll see how that goes, and how it feels to stretch out those writing muscles that have been at rest for quite some time. i can't wait to start this new journey, that will hopefully lead me to the place in life where i want to be: on a dang tour bus, being a rockstar :)