"You're too sweet for rock and roll," - Penny Lane
"Sweet? Where do you get off? Where do you get sweet? I am dark and mysterious, and pissed off! And I could be very dangerous to all of you! You should know that about me... I am the enemy!" - William
i sit here in the library, amidst the sounds of calamity coming from the hoards of hoodlums who apparently never learned the correlation between 'library' and 'quiet.' yet their noise isn't the loudest thing that i hear. that sound would be coming from the turned up loud music i am playing to help me block out all the other people's nonsensical ramblings. but still there is something more that keeps me from concentrating on the project that brought me to the library in the first place (which, just in case you're curious, is a very, very evil thing called a lit review, that may just be the death of me). that thing is my desire, my passion, my unrelenting urge for my life to be headed in a different direction, down a road toward music, someway, somehow.
i admit that i am clueless as to what i want to do 'when i grow up.' all i know for sure is that it must involve music. i must have a job where my main responsibilities involve listening to/going to see/writing about music. it can't be like now where it is just a side project that i keep to myself, or a tiny little blog that no one really reads. i will give myself the credit that those few people who do read my blog say it's really good and that they think i should do that for a living (and I am so thankful to all those people who have given me words of encouragement!). i just wish they were willing to pay me or point me in the direction of who will do so.
i have developed such a fear, though, that was only intensified by that dang movie "almost famous." (just to clarify, "almost famous" might actually be my favorite movie ever, but i have to be angry with it right now to prove my point.) you see, writing about music is the one thing that i have really, really wanted, with all my being, to do for so long. i never told anyone about it, or came anywhere near attempting it because it terrifies me. yeah, yeah, i know, i have written for newspapers before (oh yes, i am published journalist. you may have heard of me, i'm kind of a big deal. but i must digress). it is immensely different for me to write about an issue that i do not care about, i.e. student government elections or the firefighter toy drive. i have no fear of offending those s.g. jokers. i would prefer not to offend the firefighters, as they could potentially save my life and all, but basically writing a pr piece about their community service event isn't likely to offend. when it comes to music, though, i get involved with the songs i hear and the people in the band (not involved like that, silly!) but involved in a friend kinda way. band guys are generally really cool people who i relate to better than any others because of a shared love for the music.
my dilemma, much like sweet little william in 'almost famous,' is that i don't know that i want to offend a band that i may love by writing negative things about their music. i mean, what am i supposed to do if i go to see a band play that i have loved in the past and it turns out their new album sucks big ones? yeah, they may not even read what i write about them. but what if they do? and i lose that friendship with them? yes, i do realize how ludicrous this sounds as i write it. i probably will not have to worry about any rockstar friendships because i write the truth. and my journalistic integrity should elevate me above the petty little worries that i have illustrated. but still, it could happen! i don't want to be the enemy :(
i know that writing is not the only job that goes along with the music industry, but quite honestly, its the only one that i know anything about. i didn't have the prescience to think to major in pr or marketing. i thought i was on a different path (obviously, with a major like freakin' agricultural communications). so i don't have the qualifications to be a publicist, a manager, or anyone else not on the wrong side of enemy lines. then i think , i'd like to be a booking agent, or promoter or something like that, until i quickly realize that i actually haven't got a damn clue what those people actually do. so then, i get to the point to where i will settle for even being the merch girl. and that could seriously have some positives related to it- example: brent smith's girlfriend was/is shinedown's merch girl. sell a few cds and shirts, pack up the boxes, make out with brent smith- i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that ain't a bad day. then, i realize, i can't count money in my head without going into panic attacks. que sad music in the background.
so unless some rockstar struts his tight pants, long hair, and tattooed butt (well, they don't have to be on his butt, actually) into the library right now and whisks me off my laptop, i have to figure something out about my future. (pauses for just a few moments, looking around to make sure said rockstar didn't actually walk into the library but go to the wrong table. disappointedly turns back and resumes typing.) i must come up with a plan, and stick to it if i ever want to be happy. the thought of waking up 10 years from now and realizing that i never tried, never went after it, and just settled for normal, boring, and easy, makes my chest hurt and my breathing speed up. i will not let that happen. i wont be that girl. so this girl is writing out the steps to prevent that.
1. finish what i've started.
as much as i would love to say screw it to my lease, job, and search for thesisdom, i know that i can't. so i will finish this semester (lord willing). i'll do the remaining work for these horrible classes, i will submit my proposal to my committee, they will unanimously approve (they better!) and i will be done with that part. i will take my summer class, and then be done with classes. i will do my interviews for my project this summer. this fall, i will write my thesis in lex while i finish my job. i will defend my thesis. my committee will approve my thesis. in december, i will graduate and walk that line proudly. and all that i've began will be done.
2. begin again.
come january, i will move to nashville. i will find a job, doing whatever at first, if necessary. (i can secretary like nobody's business, let me just tell ya.) i will find a job writing if i can. or, i will find another job, preferably my currently undiscovered dream job. i will then be living the dream, going out to listen to bands, writing about music, and not hating every second i'm forced to do other crap (aka thesis!) that i am forced to do now.
3. optional third step: star on season 5 of married to rock.
who am i kidding, the only optional part of this one is being on the tv show. i am not made to be with a boy who isn't in a band. im not made for one city, one home, one boring yawn that's gonna drag on for the rest of my one life. i want to see the world. i want to watch a rock show at a different arena every night. yes, i know that this is not as glamorous of a life as one might imagine. i have twitter, i follow rockstar wives/girlfriends. i know it is hard when you have to be apart, and having a family is even harder. but it can be done, and i want to do it. i want music to be my life. it already is now, in a lot of ways. i want more, though, and i really, honestly, truly, madly, deeply (savage garden reference, anybody?) believe that it's gonna happen. but i guess we will just have to wait and see. will you follow me as i see what's at the end of this road?